Wednesday, March 31, 2010

I am SO not ready for this yet!!@#*!*

I thought all this aging stuff, and change in general, was supposed to start happening to people in the 70's. Or 80's. Not now. And certainly.... CERTAINLY.... not to me.

My nails stop growing at about a quarter of an inch long because at that length they break off (bad thing). I'm getting those little red skin spots (ugh--really bad thing). These little 'thick' spots are appearing on my collar bone (weird bad thing). A few white eyebrow hairs have shown up (pluckable bad thing). My upper arms started looking just a little like cottage cheese (dimply bad thing). When did the erosion lines appear running down into my cleavage (now come on! bad thing)?? What happened to perky by the way (bewildering bad thing).Eyelashes fall out (not-great-for-mascara bad thing). I remember stuff half of the time on one day(frustrating bad thing) and everything the next (frustrating good thing). And those red-old-lady-skin-dots (UGH! bad thing).

In all fairness I feel compelled to balance the argument: The hair on my head is growing faster than ever before (my stylist even mentioned it good thing). The hair on my legs hardly grows at all (time-saver good thing). I weigh 2 more pounds than I did at high school graduation (no joke good thing). I am lifting weights to combat the dimplies (take that! good thing). My knuckles aren't big yet (alleluia good thing). My nearsidedness is sharper than ever (great for reading good thing). And speaking of cleavage (underwires: priceless good thing). Still have tons of energy (fantastic good thing).

The few gray hairs on my head never bothered me because those can be hidden in so many clever ways, right, everyone? I've tried a few and praise the inventor of dye. Obviously your gene pool is ever so important to give you the interior framework to support whatever gilding you prefer to apply to the exterior. Eating right, exercising, drinking water all help. (blah blah blah) So be smart and treat yourself right, Girls.

Oh, ah, could you wait just a second or two while I...crunch chew chew crunch chew swallow. There. Sorry! My peanut M&M's were calling. Scientists will one day prove what I already know. Chocolate is a food group all its own and eases all sorts of stress and angst. Personally I find it more soothing than wine. Takes the edge off for me. Gives a person a much better perspective, makes the world a little bit brighter and their little anxieties easier to handle. Now, where are those tweezers of mine.....?