Thursday, September 15, 2011

Hierarchy of Needs -- A Hilarious Twist. Enjoy!

I have a good friend who shared his theory with me several Christmases ago. Laughed til I cried. I asked him the following year (the four of us get together every year during the holidays) for a 'replay'. He obliged. Same result. SO! I asked Ron if he would send me his hypothesis so I could pass it along to all of you.   And now -- Ron D's theory in his very own words. ENJOY!


"The 'Hierarchy' is best described orally since you can interject examples and add to it by emphasizing certain parts.  Without that, I fear it might not be as entertaining when viewed in print.  However, with that said, here it is.  The "Hierarchy" of a married woman's priorities was inspired by "Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs", so you need to be familiar with that concept to properly understand the 'Hierarchy'.  You would think the most important person in a marriage would be your spouse, since that is the one you've agreed to spend the rest of your life with, however most men find that not to be true.  As any married guy knows "the children" are way above him.  That's to be expected though since both men and women sacrifice for their children.  Next you might expect the husband, right?  Not so.  It is her family------mother, father, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.  Next, surely must be the husband, eh?   Nope, it is the husband's family.  Mother-in-law, father-in-law, and so on, the same as with her family.   The husband has to be next though, right?  No way!  Friends and neighbors!!   Everyone is spoken for now so the husband has to be next.  Think again!   Complete strangers!!!  Of course since everyone else in the world has been exhausted, now comes the husband!!
You will find that some people think the husband is higher up the list until you give examples such as the husband wanting to spend a holiday or weekend with his wife and kids only to find out that he has to go to Aunt Helen's for Christmas, or some nephew's birthday party, or her friend's children's bar mitzvah.  The best example however is when you are at the grocery store and are dreaming of buying a six pack of imported beer only to have your wife interrupt your dream by telling you to get out of the way because you are blocking the aisle for some strange woman who might want to get by.  Another is when you are at the mall at Christmas and you race to the only available parking place only to have your wife reprimand you because some other car also wanted the space and you shouldn't have sped up to get there first.  These examples need to be given as you are telling the 'Hierarchy' so that the guy can identify with the example and see the logic of your thinking.  Another thing some guys will identify with is the placement of household pets before him.  Generally just after the children, sometimes elsewhere, but always before the husband!!  Some husbands report that inanimate objects such as a car, clothes, shoes, flowers, etc. need to be included---ahead of the husband, of course----but I can only give you my experiences and since I don't have any household pets I haven't listed them.
Hopefully this doesn't suffer too much by not being told orally.  Good luck with your blog.  By the way, I heard Bill Cosby do something very similar to the 'Hierarchy' once at a Wendy's function.  I can assure you that I had been telling the 'Hierarchy' for several years before I heard his version.  Since it was a Wendy's function I didn't confront him about stealing my material and getting residuals.  Another interesting aspect of the 'Hierarchy' is that womaen don't find it as true, or as entertaining, as the men.  Go figure."


Saturday, September 3, 2011

FAB FIND!!! The $6.99 J Crew Favorite Tank

Discovered these at the J Crew store in the Tangers Outlet mall (formerly Prime Outlets) near Washington CH, OH. They are a gift from the gods. A boon for all of us who are either dealing with the M-word or need to wear professional clothes which includes lined suit jackets, of which I wore one today. Just thinking about that rayon material makes me cringe. And sweat. As I sit in the AC. Keeping cool. Tonight. In the basement. In very lightweight loungy clothes. So I won't sweat. (Oops! That's perspire. Gotta remember: Ladies perspire.)

Ok, ok. Getting back to J Crew. When you walk in the door, look to your right. The wall between you and the check-out counter is covered with little painted square cubbies. Which are filled with little folded scraps of clothes. Which come in many colors. Solid and Striped. Which are as manna from heaven. *Be sure to try on. Sizes are a little wonky in that you may need a size larger than your usual.

The Favorite Tank is 6.99. When held up, these look like old-fashioned ribbed cotton mens sleeveless tee shirts. Like the kind my dad wore in the summer under the crisp white button-down shirts he wore to work. Long enough to cover most of your rear end, too. Eliminating day-long hassle. You bend over -Tuck tail back in - You reach up for a file or can of soup or a shoe box -Tuck tail back in. Nope. None of that.

Perfect as a light buffer under those heavy, lined suit jackets. Perfect to sleep in. Perfect over your sports bra at the gym (yup, I'm referring to the same one that had me trapped in my 8/4 post). Perfect for working in the yard. Perfect for just about anything.

I've made two trips down to fetch some. Going back soon for more. Best you hurry before I buy them all. Really. Maybe you better rush. Or better yet why don't you leave now and be there when the store opens tomorrow. I'm just sayin'....

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Card from a Friend

A very special friend (sending a shout out to you, JK, in Las Vegas) mailed this Hallmark card to celebrate my birthday a couple of years ago. I had tucked it into my file drawer and I stumbled on it today when cleaning out said drawer. It resonates with me still. May the words make an impression on your day as well.

**Message below is exactly as it appears in the card, printed mere spaces from the inner crease on the right panel.


breathe deep
talk slow
walk soft
let go
give big
take less
don't count
just guess
act fair
think long
laugh loud
plan bold
dream far ...

feel loved.
you are.


Monday, August 29, 2011

Damned if They Do and Damned if They Don't

Hurricanes are fickle forces of nature. Much like tornadoes. The first is hard to second-guess. The second to predict. Their ferocious energies instill awe and fear. Their paths depend upon existing weather conditions reducing forecasting to a guessing game, no matter how educated those guesses might be.

The only hurricane experience I can claim was in 1993. We had rented a condo in Emerald Isle on Bogues Banks, SC, for a week. On the third day a mandatory evacuation was called due to Hurricane Felix making its presence felt in the Atlantic. My husband and I fell swiftly, and deeply, into depression at this unwelcomed news and our then newly-turned five year old became the voice of reason. We did NOT want to leave and he calmly stated we WERE leaving. So off we went (literally), one car in a long line of motor vehicles, and headed inland to spend the night hoping we could return very soon. But, as luck or hurricanes would have it, Felix decided to hover....and hover....and hover off the coast, never making land fall BUT definitely ruining our much needed vacation.

Pubic officials have to make a judgement call. If they don't, tragedies could happen which may well have been avoided. And when they do, criticism erupts. The situation boils down to one word - choices. The weather experts do their best. The government officials do theirs. Then the citizens make their own decisions. To stay. To leave. To procrastinate. To walk out on a pier when the waves are over 20 feet tall. To board up windows before driving away, watching their home disappear in the rear view mirrors hoping its still standing when they return.

Irene made her mark on the season of 2011. Personally I believe that respecting these forces of nature is the only intelligent course. Acting responsibly saves lives and protects property. I'd much rather be relieved with a 'non event' as some have called this than attend a funeral.


Saturday, August 27, 2011

Thought for the Day: We're All a Bunch of Crabs

This extremely deep, introspective, sophisticated ...... Ok, let me start over.

Actually the inspiration for this concept literally popped into my brain as I was listening to a friend describe her recent move to a new house. After immediately sharing my thought with her we both started laughing because it's TRUE!

Roll with me here for a second: Most of us have dressed in siblings' hand-me-down clothes or fun thrift store bargains which someone else wore; we move into a house someone else moved out of; we buy a used car someone else drove; we acquire an RV someone else used; etc etc etc (this is where you add your ideas...)

Now take the leap and picture this: It's like watching the crabs on Bowman's Beach. One crab dashes across the sand to a bigger hole previously dug by a fellow crustacean but no longer wanted. Another crab leaves its current shell 'home' and scrambles into an empty larger shell, taking possession by squatter's rights. The now newly abandoned smaller hole and shell get claimed quickly by two brand new tenants willing to take advantage of these unexpected opportunities. Right?

So let's review! Basically these creatures are all dashing around trying to: 1. make their lives better; 2. find more room, and, 3. get good deals.

Sound familiar?


Thursday, August 25, 2011

5 Reasons NOT to Lean Over a Bathroom Sink

1. Watching in horror as a half pair of diamond stud earrings tumbles downward to join the rushing water disappearing into that deep, dark hole of a drain.

2. Having to bravely and gracefully endure your husband's creative and EXTREMELY colorful adjectives and nouns while he dismantles the U-pipe under the above mentioned sink to retrieve the aforementioned half pair of diamond stud earrings.

3. Standing at the kitchen counter writing a $233.70 check to the plumber for snaking the huge hair clog from the pipe which adjoins two bathroom sinks. SO not pretty.

4. Listening to the screeches of a woman in an airport restroom as she slaps at the side of the sink trying to stop the temporary crown which as fallen out of her mouth from going down the dr...oops, too late....

And, drumroll, last but not least: 5. Hearing a little awed voice talking to itself saying, "Cool! Just like Grandpa's." Peering around the door frame in time to hear the sound of metal scraping down the incline of the bowl. "Whatcha' doin'?" "Look! Pennies slide down just like my sled on Grandpa's hill." Great. Yeah, just great.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

The *&@#!*?* Sports Bra

So last night was one of my wide-awake-why-lie-down-not-going-to-sleep nights. Husband went to bed and I stayed up to work on the computer. Perfect time to use my energy to get work I brought home from the store and some personal stuff accomplished.

About 1 o'clock am I put on my pj's. Strike that. About 1 o'clock am I TRIED to put on my pj's. Had my work-out clothes still on and I crossed my arms in front of my chest in order to grab the bottom of my sports bra to pull it up over my head. (This is my favorite one -- bright sunny yellow. Nike. Size Large -- I'm not that big BUT nevertheless it's what I bought thinking it would by more comfortable. And by the way, that label is a lie anyway.)

Brain said: LIFT. I tugged. 'Nuttin, honey. Not one tiny little budge. Tried again. The elastic band at the bottom flipped up. That was it.

So I'm standing there still with my arms crossed and I started to giggle. If this moment was videotaped I could just see it posted on YouTube under the "Woman Held Captive by Sports Bra" category. Guess if you can't laugh at yourself, you don't have the right to laugh at anyone else.

We can handle the mundane, the unexpected, the urgent, the obligations, the kids, the husband, the schedules without a blink of an eye. Yet here I was held hostage by spandex.

Won't you tell on yourself, below in 'Comments', a situation you found yourself in when your sense of humor came to your rescue? We can all smile together.

(And, yes, I got it off....after I quit laughing and could concentrate. FOCUS, girl! FOCUS!)




Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Guardian Angels

I pictured for years, when my husband traveled for business, an angel with a flaming sword sitting on our roof every night. Protecting. Keeping away evil. Battling any bad guys. I could sleep at night with a heavenly partner in my corner. Especially after our child was born.

When my son entered high school the intensity of the social culture kicked up a notch. Not so much the popularity pressure but other influences like alcohol. Drugs. Smoking. Sex. As a parent vigilance took on an intense new meaning. I asked for the Holy Spirit to protect my son. To re-enforce good decisions, right choices. Two names and faces appeared in my mind' eye: 'Frank' with glasses, short dishwater blond hair, thin, kind of geeky. 'Joe' -- darker/longer hair, brown eyes, very cool dude. (Guess our kid needed extra attention!)

During the college years I found myself praying even harder, relying on them all the more. All this sound weird? To you, maybe. To me? Absolute relief. Four years flew by. No calls from jail or the hospital.

We could look at this from a practical viewpoint. Strictly as an employment issue. Think of all the good souls now living in God's house. Their loyalty, faith, focus to duty are unquestionable making them excellent prospects for the millions of positions available. It's the perfect situation. Their talents partnered with the desperate need here on earth. Talk about a win-win.

So -- we're down to brass tacks. Do GA's exist? I haven't seen any. Nor talked to one. No correspondence has ever been exchanged. No fingerprints, footprints, etc etc. (... or wing-prints in this case) have been found in or around my house. No physical evidence. But that's what makes it feel so good. My faith alone unequivocally tells me they are here.

And that's all the proof I need.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Lutein, My New BFF

Last year's eye exam revealed the slight possibility of my developing Macular Degeneration. Scared the bejeebies out of me. Even the mere thought of living only with peripheral vision rocked my world. My optomitrist recommended spinach, blueberries and brewed tea all of which hold healthy natual suppliments for eyesight.

Those three components instantaneously became constant residents with reserved shelf space in our refrigerator. Each are eaten everyday without fail. (The thought of me eating spinach AT ALL is crazy enough -- my we--known hatred of this cooked vegetable has been replaced with a fantastic respect for its fresh form!!)

Fast forward to this year's annual visit. 1) Photographs showed NO CHANGE!!! 2) Suggestion made for eye vitamins -- containing Lutein. Eye vitamins?? What do you mean 'eye vitamins'?? Went straight to the nearest CVS. Read every label on every available brand (the employee stocking the shelves asked me twice if I needed help!). Chose one with 20mg. *Lutein is found in the macula. Deeper concentration of pigment is optimum for good eye health. Some studies also show a correlation between higher levels of this vitamin with lower risk for cataracts.

Some days I swear I'm turning blue. Or green. But considering the alternative --I don't care what color I am!

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Intimidating Cook Top

Yep. I was bullied by the new, shiny, black Kenmore Elite recently installed in our kitchen.

I feel like all of you are members of my support group, currently sitting in metal fold-up chairs arranged in a circle. Ready to say, "Hi, Julie!" when I stand to introduce myself and clap when I publicly state my problem: I am scared of my cook top.

Doomed to fail from the start after reading the direction manual. DO NOT USE ANY PAN THAT DOES NOT FIT PROPERLY IN ONE OF THE CIRCLES ON YOUR COOK TOP. ALL POTS AND PANS MUST SIT ABSOLUTELY FLUSH ON THE SURFACE. MAKE SURE THE HANDLES ARE PROPERLY POSITIONED. CLEANING IS ESSENTIAL AFTER EACH USE. DO NOT DROP ANYTHING ON TO THE SURFACE AS MULTIPLE BREAKS MAY OCCUR."

I felt as if I had been lectured, rather loudly, and promptly smacked on the knuckles with a ruler by the time I had finished the last page.

Took me three days to finally boil a pot of water for my tea.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

A Fractured-Kind-Of-Day

Ever have that kind? Where you feel pulled one way then another AND, on top of those, a third? You have all these 'things' you want to get done and just wish you had the time RIGHT NOW to do them once and for all? (the spectres of extreme agitation and overwhelming frustration hover very near....)

My list includes things like weeding out my recipe shelf; going thru the TALL stack of brochures we collected in JANUARY at a vacation and travel show; check out the intriguing websites I've torn out of magazines/hastily scribbled down; write more chapters for my books; actually finish a manuscript and work to get it published; call friends I need to catch up with; spend more quality time with my husband; and my family; clean out my files in the file cabinet. (You get the picture, I know, because you have one, too, don't ya?)

Part of my problem is I need to simply let go of 1/3 of them. They are not as important as I brainwash myself to believe they are. Done. Check

This evening I spent an hour and a half waiting for my car to be serviced. I took some work from my job that I have been carrying back and forth between my desk and home for over a week and got it done. A WEEK. What is my problem?? All finished. Check.

So. My mid-year resolution is to scratch off the unnecessary, the superfluous, the waste-of-timers. Focus my energy on getting a few done well. My hand is now reaching for the ON button of the CD player -- a little relaxation music, please, while I start making a MUCH shorter, fresh list of high priorities. And the first item at the very top of the list? "NO MORE LISTS!!!!!"


Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Finding YOUR 'Paris'

Yesterday my husband and I saw Midnight in Paris. This is the story of a man valiantly trying to swim against the tide of his everyday existence, a place of personal discontment where his life and choices have led him. Yet there is an innate yearning residing just under his skin which burns in his soul. His whole being comes ALIVE in Paris and he realizes that he has found the city of his dreams. His restless spirit has found its home.

We all seek that specific 'something' that burns perpetually in our own core. Causes stomachs to flutter with anticipation and need. Mine is to write, to share the stories thriving between my ears which no one else can 'hear' right now. I would love to be published --sooner than later if I had my wish! It's the invisible drive that lurks right below my surface. Finding the time not allotted for other responsibilities, duties and drudgeries, where guilt can't sink its talons into me, is what propels me on many a day. I live with a mixture of unadulterated happiness when I do write and anxious desperation when I don't. The imbalance is distracting.....yet challenging.

Thus I have become quite resourceful in hoarding clusters of minutes where I can open my laptop or notebook to extract the conversations and drama, humor and emotions bubbling in my mind -- much like Dumbledore pulling out his thoughts and preserving each in his pensieve.

When my opportunity arrives, I hope all of you are with me to enjoy the ride! And my wish for all of you? Recognize, grasp, follow the path where your heart leads. Be tenacious. BE BOLD. Allow the embers to become a blaze and find your fulfillment. Perhaps Paris will be your destination as well.....

Friday, April 29, 2011

Wickedly Fixated on Eugenia and Beatrice

Oh, my. Still shaking my head. In a matter of seconds these two young women became the laughingstock of this elegant, sophistocated wedding and fodder for an unimaginable amount of worldwide ugly, caustic facebook comments. One would hope someone -- like their father or their cousins or their grandmother or their friends or fashion industry stylist or a designer or a woman known for her fashion sense or the upstairs maid for goodness sake-- would have stepped in voicing an honest opinion and told these two "NO, you cannot wear that!! The designer is lying to you!"

Really?? All who attended were MAIN STAGE entertainment for the entire world and you choose to arrive in some blue, puffy poorly fitted costume (from designer Vivienne Westwood) that looks like an off-the-rack reject and next to you stands your sis who's wearing this thing on her forehead?? Staring at her Philip Teasy design, a myriad of comparisons jumped in my brain: an Egyptian queen headpiece a' la Cleopatra; Diana, roman goddess of the hunt with her signature crescent moon coronet; a laurel wreath and ribbon from some limestone war memorial. I know. I know. I am not being nice at all. But I am being honest. ("...a spaghetti O.."/ "...Sesame Street lesson on the letter O"../"...10 pts if you can throw something thru that hoop"../"...Cinderella's ugly stepsisters.." were a few of the comments I read today. Ouch.)

When they got out of the car I believe I heard a collective viewing audience gasp. I'm guessing budget was not a prohibitive factor for these women and one would think that one would want to be in the 'Fashion Icon' column as opposed to the 'Most Disastrous Fashion Faux Pas'. Seriously, I am hoping they fell in love with these get-ups and simply couldn't help themselves. At least that would be an understandable excuse. We've all bought a piece or two in our lives we look back on later with much chagrin.

Closing on a bright note: I did love Beatrice's Valentino-designed coat and shoes. Very tasteful and such a pretty shade. AND did you notice her new figure? She has done some extremely serious, disciplined weight loss and looked fantastic. Sincere kudos to the princess!

Monday, April 25, 2011

Ode to Sanity

took a shower tonight.
turned the pressure up and
let the spray beat on
my back.
stood still while
the hot water ran over my shoulders
then down to my toes
like a fluid, thermal blanket.
best therapy on the planet
this person could choose.
stayed so long
the hot water tank emptied.
really.
that was a first.
some would say i wasted
money.
others, water.
i say both are wrong.
best shower.
ever.





Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Virtual Aquarium -- No Fuss, No Mess, No Trouble!

We discovered the greatest computer fix-it guy ever through a friend and co-worker. Jon Roth, FiremanPC, makes house calls in addition to working out of an office. He is SO easy to talk to (hard to find in a geek sometimes), friendly in a down-to earth sweet and genuine way, answers my emails quickly. A true godsend.

When we upgraded the PC recently Jon loaded something we didn't order. A screen saver that is THE COOLEST thing on the planet: a virtual aquarium! My dad had a tank of tropical fish in our house when I was growing up. I remember the water changing/tank cleaning, the fish feeding, leakage, dead fish dredging.....etc etc.... and as an adult I've never been interested in having my own.

BUT what a fantastic surprise this app has been. I love looking at this everyday. The colors, the movement, the sound. Such the perfect alternative for us!! Here are the features:

1. A clear crystal slice nestled in the coral and rocks on the right side. Its face changes showing 4 phases- logo; day/date/time; clock face with current time including second hand; current month's calendar with date circled/digital clock.

2. Rock formation with lush, colorful coral clusters and mosses sprinkled about.

3. Bubbles rise in a constant plume at the back. You can turn up the volume to hear their sound just like a regular pump. (I love this -- makes it all the more 'real'!! I've gotten so used to it that I actually miss that subtle gurgling when it's not running.)

4. A starfish lives in and around the rocks and the aquarium floor. You can see the tentacles move and follow its progress as it travels around the tank.

5. The tropical fish are very colorful and swim at their leisure through the scene. All kinds and sizes. AND the mostest, coolest part is that you control the groups you want to see. You can set it so the same fish live in your tank =or= they can change!! After we use our computer and this screen saver reappears, we have it set so another whole group of fish appear. Keeps it interesting for sure! Their easy-paced gliding, their gracefully flowing fins provide a wonderful stress relieving ambiance.

6. The lighting effects change from sun-up/day to sundown/night. Interesting to watch how this changes the perspective from the viewer's vantage point 'outside' the tank.

We all know that simple things are the best things -- this relaxing, carefree animation is simple and an opportunity to treat yourself in an uncomplicated way. Enjoy!

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Dr Ann Ansel, Regular Skin/Mole Checks and One Small Request

My dermatologist, Dr. Ann Ansel, removed 3 moles from my right leg in March, one just above my knee, two on the back of my calf. (I'm a veteran of these procedures -- I stopped counting after number 30. Yep. 30.) The first came off my breastbone area. Went black =snap!!= like that when I was in college. Most were easily shaved off, a few surgically removed and sutured.

Peeling off the BandAid the following morning, I assumed I would see the same old-same old. Wait a minute. I took a double take. Then shock set in: There was a DIVOT, a 1/4 deep hole, in the top of my leg. A true Kodak moment - I froze. In a flash I leaned over to rip the other two bandages off -- two more divots revealed. What the #@*?!

Thoughts started ricocheting off the brain walls -- WHAT??! Why did this happen??! Why didn't Ann tell me I'd see freakin' holes in my leg?!!? Do I have melanoma?? How long will the lab tests take?? What IF I have cancer?? She talked about taking 4 more off!! More divots!! This is going to take weeks to heal!?!

I look like I got shot point-blank with a nail gun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Writing about it now six weeks later: 1) I can report the holes have shrunk to indentations capped with scabs. (I have surprised myself by not picking at them. And I HATE scabs. Nasty, itchy patches. I pick at them. Always have. Somehow convinced myself this time that three ugly scars just weren't worth it.) And 2) The office called with the lab report results : two of the three were funky - oh, man - but Ann removed all three in their entirety so absolutely no problems. Gulp. Thank you, Lord.

Here's my mini lecture delivered straight from the heart: Take the time to observe your moles, discolorations, etc. PLEASE PLEASE never hesitate to pick up the phone and get an appointment if you have any sort/kind/inkling/feeling/question about your skin. Melanomas and basal cells are serious developments that can lead to death. Blunt truth. Don't be stupid or casual or dismissive. End of lecture. Go and check your skin. Yes, that means now!

(Psst!!! Dear God, I am so blessed all is well...but...there's just one little-bitty-tiny-thing --- Possible to do something about that scab thing?? Could we just somehow skip right over that step in the healing process? How about erasing them from the planet for ever and ever and ever? Really appreciate it if you would take take of this. Love, Julie)

Monday, April 4, 2011

Snarky and Darbs

Don't you just love those two words? I'm sure they appear listed in some dictionary somewhere on the planet, legitimizing their existence. I was introduced to these by two different, two wonderfully, two well-spoken very sophisticated ladies (all true!) in my life. And how fortunate for me I must add.

Oh! And trust me. You will find they are not only really quite useful in and of themselves but will most definitely add a touch of colorful 'spice', shall I say, to your descriptions and personal opinions. (Guaranteed to garner you 'extra' attention ~ much like the addition of yummy icing on a fresh slice of cake ~ when the absolute value of your truth and knowledge is clearly acknowledged your rapt audience.)

Definitions, as I learned them, are as follows:
Snarky: 1. to be snippy. 2. in a bad mood. 3. have no patience to deal with anyone
(people exhibiting this behavior have even been seen to narrow their eyes and/or curl their lip)

Darb: 1. some item you feel has no redeeming value. 2. some item you find particularly ugly. (when claiming this the speaker may well portray that definite 'ew' look on their face)

Say each out loud. Go ahead. No one is around. First, snarky Snnnaarky. Really draw out the 'n'. Next, darb. Daaarb. Emphasize the 'a' sound. Force it up out of your throat and down your tongue.

Now I want you to add both to your vocabulary and ... AND... I challenge each and every one of you to incorporate them into your conversations at once every single day.

Pssst! Just between us. They do so make such lasting impressions, don't you think?

I'm Melting....Melting......

Now I know how Margaret Hamilton felt as her wicked self began to get smaller and smaller. How did I miss my copy of the What To Expect When As You Grow Older Calendar??*#! Who publishes it and how did they forget me?? I am SOOOOO un-prepared.

Call me crazy but I thought this shrinking stuff was NOT going to happen now. Maybe in my 70's. I could gracefully accept that. But not in my 50's!! At my last physical and last female appointments I made both nurses re-measure my height because I was sure they had misread the mark. I'm still reeling. And complaining. And in shock.

I have always been the tallest female in my family. At 5'6" since my freshman year in high school I enjoyed being taller than a lot of women. Now? 5' 43/4"... FIVE FOUR AND THREE QUARTER ....AARGH! I cannot believe it.

This really, really sucks. Excuse the vernacular but that really describes how I feel. God, I am not happy. I count my blessings every single day. I am so thankful for my family, my health, my home, my job. No tsunamis. No tornadoes. No droughts or famine. No plagues. No nuclear contaminations. We can pay our bills. There's food on our table.

Still I am annoyed with another body change I personally feel should happen YEARS down the pike. Oh, well. No one ever listens to me and, so, I remain your ever faithful and loving Incredible Shrinking Woman.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Cinderella (or Goldilocks?) at the Ritz

Seeing my daffodils unfurl reminds me of my twenty years in the floral biz. Don't miss the long days of the holiday calendar that stretched from November to May. Don't miss the pine tar that coated my fingers and nails from all the evergreen product --- and the trying to pay the cashier for my groceries during a quick stop on the way home when my money or credit card stuck to the stubborn residue on my hands. Do miss the glorious fragrance of the freesia, gardenias, plumeria, hyacinth, lilac, stock, ginestra. Do miss our yearly January and July buying trips to the Atlanta and Dallas markets. Do miss Dallas's own Bob's Steak and Chop House, Atlanta's Morton's, the Ritz's Strawberry Daiquiris.

But what's to follow is story of how lucky one girl can be when traveling with two guys while waiting for the rest of the team to arrive. PICTURE THIS: Your plane is late and you arrive at your hotel, the Ritz Carlton, which is comp'd each trip by a vendor you patronize, around 11:20pm. There are two rooms available -- a suite and a two-bed room. The guys opt for the later. The girl gets the former. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!! YOU TWO DON"T WANT THE SUITE?? Well, then, outta my way boys, 'coz THIS girl is heading straight towards a dream-come-true!!!!

After the guys had come and gone with the aforementioned daiquiris to go over our game plan for our first day on the gift mart floor, I still so ecstatic with my surroundings that I decided to just enjoy. I lounged on all the chairs and the couch, watched TV in both the sitting room and my bedroom, I admired both bathrooms collecting twice the number of luxurious personal product goodies, read the magazines which included Veranda and Town and Country (which had been provided for my comfort, of course). Basically Cinderella had arrived at the ball and she was taking full advantage of her once-in-a-lifetime, all-expenses-paid night of fantasy.

About 4am the drowsy princess, now sweetly tucked under the cozy goose down comforter, fell into a blissful state of beautiful dreams. When she awoke she had to move her things to another room but that was all right with her. For she left a glass slipper tucked w-a-a-a-y under the bed to be collected at some time in the future.........


Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Menopausal Echoes: The Bad Habit of Interrupting

You know how your body immediately reacts when you hear a VERY LOUD, SHARP sound? Believing it is in your best interest to protect yourself, you instinctively hunch your shoulders, compress your body to make yourself smaller and lower your head. Time is of the essence and there's not a second to waste.

One of the aftershocks of Menopause I have experienced is the development of a VB&A: a Very Bad and Annoying habit. I find myself unable to stop blurting out a question or a change of subject or an idea right in the middle of someone else's dialog. It's like I had Tourette's or something. It is pathetic at best. Rude. Ridiculous. Offensive as all get out. Not to mention embarrassing!

And I can't seem to stop myself. My only excuse, poor though it may be, is that these days my memory is like swiss cheese and I have the attention span of a gnat. I'm so afraid I'll lose my train of thought which I am so desperately holding onto (figuratively) with both hands ... and feet, truth be told ... that I just kind-of break into whatever is being said and spill my two cents quickly before that tenacious hold slips and whatever 'it' was flies off into the dark depths of oblivion.

Some days the brain fares better than others. Or I have a piece of paper and a pen I can scribble a quick notation. Or I'm not easily distracted and can stay sharp and on task. Now what was that joke about the inte =MOO!= rrupting cow ........

Monday, March 7, 2011

Still a Favorite: Helen Winnemore Craft

Tucked in a red brick home with an inviting walled patio at 150 E Kossuth in German Village, is a marvelous gift (for someone special ... or for yourself!) shop awaiting your arrival. Curbside parking is available on this quiet, tree-lined street directly out front. And after being greeted with a warm "hello" and an offering of freshly brewed tea or coffee, you will begin a browsing exploration at your own pace of this wonderful spot. Expect to find unique, artistic, and delightful items.

My history with this Columbus treasure goes back many years to my childhood. My mother introduced me to Helen and her eclectic collection of hand crafts when she was located in a marvelous old Victorian near Broad and Parsons. The refreshing anticipation of what I might find every time I crossed the threshold was not lost in Helen's move to her new German Village home. My first stop...more like a bee-line...was, is, and always will be, the multi-drawed wall cabinet which never fails to reveal enticing hand-wrought jewelry that calls to my heart. (My love of jewels began as a child and is so much a part of me still!) Sarah Kellenberger is now the proprietress of HWC, carrying on Helen's legacy while adding her own loving touch, special style and fun personality to molding the collection the shop holds today.

The promise of the unexpected, the assurance of high quality, and the surprise of the unusual. May the mixture of those elements lovingly offered on a tree-lined street in German Village draw you and yours to experience the Columbus tradition that is Helen Winnemore Craft.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

We Want the Puppets! We Want Kobe and LeBron!

Didn't you just love the Kobe and LeBron puppet commercials for Nike? "Kobe!Kobe!Kobe!" reverberating from your set?LeBron's clouds of chalk dust billowing throughout the scenes? 'Lil Dez talking a mile-a-minute? Kobe portraying the cool yet beleaguered superstar?

I remember when we saw the first commercial for the first time. What a hoot! I immediately identified with LeBron's hyper state, my husband with Kobe's laid-back style. The creators delivered something totally unexpected. Fresh. For all ages. Funny. Clever. Couldn't wait for the next one to be released.

I miss them. Maybe if I start repeating, ever so quietly, over and over again "We want Kobe! We want LeBron! We want 'Lil Dez!" others would hear and take up the chant and it would take on a life of its own and become unstoppable and it will spread all the way to puppet guys who would be inspired and they'd make some new ones and Kobe could rib his highly-touted competitor about his brand new ring and we would be surprised once again and laugh at the antics of these two going at it some more and.....

What'd you think?? Should we try it?? Are we that brave and bold and focused and determined??!! Hmmm. Let's be logical. The ground-swelling buzz would more than likely be drowned out by the next televised edition of Charlie Sheen's very public ramblings or the paparazzi shouting at Lindsay Lohan as she arrived for her next court appearance. Oh well, that's OK. Good memories are always better than sad choices.



Monday, February 28, 2011

A Wonderful Discovery: Grandview Cleaners

I have tried all the dry cleaners in the Tri-Village area. Trust me. Even given second chances as I just don't like to spend my time running around changing service providers. I also have this penchant for using coupons to save money when/if prudent to do so.

Located at 1445 Grandview Avenue (next door to Trattoria Roma, across from St. Christopher's church) you will discover the business established by Mr. Blackburn's parents in 1954. He and his wife have been the proprietors for many years now. They are so friendly, the kind of folks who have worked hard in their community and you feel good supporting them. And there is a loading zone directly in front -- no parking meter to feed!!!

I found my way to them about four months ago. The cleaners I was using was one of mere convenience. Minutes from the house but nothing special. When a coupon caught my eye, I decided 'why not?'. Even though their locale is not as close it is still in an area I patronize doing errands and shopping.

Image my initial, and very pleasant, surprise when I was asked, "When would you like this?" not "It will be ready ...... ". Their prices are wonderful, so far every garment, coverlet, etc, have been well taken care of, and all stains/spots clearly removed. Please give them a try. And tell them "Julie sent you". HA!!

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Removing Words from the Dictionary ~ POOF!

Kinda spooky, don't you think?? With one stroke of the old delete bar a little tiny fragment of culture is erased.

Talk about power. Just like that =SNAP= a piece of vocabulary disappears from the planet. Takes a lot of nerve to decide a word is archaic. Or unnecessary. Just because it is not used by the masses. Constantly. Does that make it any less a word? Without a noble history? Or purpose?

I bought a 1966 Random House Dictionary Unabridged Edition for my desk at the library book sale. I love it! Big. Fat. Bulky. Bursting with the thousands of words between the covers.

We've all heard the term 'dumbing down' --come to think of it that term is probably in there somewhere --in reference to the current trends of our casual culture. I can think of no more glaring example than casting an infrequently used word into extinction. It's not spooky -- it is downright scary. Maybe nobody really frets about 'excuviate' ("to shed") being tossed into extinction. But the more important question to me is "What IF nobody cares?". Why not have fun by expanding your vocabulary and watch your friends' faces when you interject 'agrestic' ("rural") or 'nidderly' ("cowardly"), maybe even 'embrangle' ("to confuse") into a conversation.

OH! But you can't!!! Those don't exist anymore!!!!!



Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Mothers and Sons

It's not like having a daughter, you know. Guys don't want to go shopping or 'do lunch'. (Well, I take that back. Yes, they do because it's free. And it's food. The perfect combo for a male.)

They don't call everyday just to chat. Or just because. There's usually a reason when they do. Like they need money. Or permission to go on Spring break -- which takes us back to the money thing.

They aren't the ideal partner to gossip with. They put up a bored facade like they don't condone gossip. "Whatever" or "Who cares?" is a common response. But I've never seen one get up and leave when a particularly juicy tidbit is shared among friends. Hmmm. Have you?

The latest hair styles or new make-up techniques or what's hot in fashion accessories for the season are not topics they appreciate spending their time on either. Turns out getting a new pair of jeans that are cut just right or ordering this year's latest fleece outerwear jacket (I'm speaking from experience on this subject -an internet purchase from England with some Christmas money. Really??! England?? "My roommate has one.") is important. And acceptable.

But when he gives me a beautiful smile as he turns and bends down to wrap his arms around me in one big warm and wonderful hug, my heart rejoices and everything is ok. Balance restored. Small irritations erased. Head-frustrations disappear.

Oh, all right. ALL RIGHT. I confess. I'm sure glad I have one. (And he's just darned lucky to have me, too! HA!)

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Propensity

Such a beautiful word. Feels good as it r-r-o-o-o-l-l-s-s off your tongue.

Just the sound of it causes you to lift your nose a bit higher while e-nun-ci-a-ting every syllable with your finest faux aristocratic British accent.

Now say it. Outloud. Pro-pen-si-ty.

Did you stick your chin up just a tad? Good. Now...raise one eyebrow ever so slightly (no, both simply will not do -- you want to look slightly superior, not surprised) as you dispense this fine piece of vocabulary while sharing an observation, dare I use the word 'judgement' (oops, I meant 'personal opinion'...) about someone you know. For instance: "Well! His propensity for alcohol certainly hasn't helped his weight problem any." OR "Without question you know her cholesterol would drop if she didn't indulge her propensity for chocolate so much!" (Hey! I heard that! Were you talking about me??)

Bravo! You did a fine job. Now practice the subtleties of the eyebrow thing. OH! And perhaps add a bit of the rolling of the eyes. Yes! That's it. By Jove, now you've got it!

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Dust ~ UGH!

This morning found me dusting....yes, DUSTING....the bathtub. Never thought I'd be wiping down that porcelain fixture. We all use the shower these days. No little ones around who need it. With time comes change.

Dust. Who makes this stuff?? I WANT A NAME!!

Why does this fine, gray fuzz even exist? So we can sneeze? Be frustrated (there's lots of other things that fit that bill, thank you)? Does it support the vacuum cleaner or furniture polish or furnace pipe cleaning industries? An alien's master plan to crush our spirits and rule the universe?

Well if you see that alien or the Dust Fairy or whomever is responsible before I do, tell them to stop it. And I mean RIGHT NOW !!

Good to know when little people do appear again under this roof they won't have to wait for their bubble bath. No, sirree! Not in this house. Huh-uh.

Geez.....wiping off dust. Who'd have thunk it?

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Thank You Notes

Sending hand-written missives with the specific motive of expressing appreciation for receiving a gift was a rule strictly adhered to by my parents. No excuses, no whining, no reason was ever acceptable in veering from that unquestionable, permanent, carved-in-stone social grace. One received thus one wrote.

In this day and age of electronic communication, and though a 'dinosaur' I well may be, I find myself still a happy proponent of our postal system. And to that end I still send hand-written letters and thank you notes. Plan to until the day I die. Even when my handwriting is absolutely atrocious and totally illegible. Even when no one could ever possibly read or interpret the scribble, I'll forever share my heartfelt appreciation via pen, paper and the post.

This household received a thank you from a relative about a week ago. Thanking us for the two holiday presents we sent, this cousin admonished me by asking a question smack dab in the middle of her note: "J, have you stopped writing letters? I miss your newsy notes..." The answer to her inquiry, No, I haven't. I obviously let other tasks in the last few months snare more attention than I should have, leaving no time for my usual (and obviously expected) 'newsy notes'.

When I read her message the first time I was slightly taken aback. But upon further contemplation I accepted her words as a compliment. How nice to know that taking the time to personally craft something is missed when you don't!

So write a letter....or two. And when you receive one in return you'll be the one who gets to sip a cup of hot tea while sharing a peek into the life and times of someone special to you.

Atrocious handwriting or not.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

My Closet

Sliding open the wooden closet door open yesterday morning, I stood looking at my rainbow of clothes. Pondering. Waiting for inspiration....a spark....a nudge. Anything, please!

I got nothin'. It's not that I don't like my clothes. I do. But there wasn't a jacket or a sweater or a skirt or slacks that grabbed my attention right off the bat or jumped out at me shouting, "Here I am!! Put me on!".

How I wish that would happen. Definitely a time saver if it did. But, no, I stood there hemming-and-hawing over what to choose, considering what would feel 'good', did a certain color or fabric appeal to me more, did I need something warmer or cooler, blah, blah, blah..... You totally understand the drill.

With my hands in my housecoat pockets, I mentally performed some calculating: 40% of my inventory I LOVE, LIKE 40%, 10% would receive a TOLERATE rating and 5% I keep out of GUILT (received as a gift/some memory attached to it/whatever).

So after spending WAY too much time, I finally grabbed an outfit, scrambled for accessories, and left in a rush to get to work.

You know I could help myself by performing these tasks the night before. Perhaps I might be in a 'choosier' state of mind. Probably simpler. Easier. There wouldn't be a need to HURRY UP and get it done.

WHAT??! Mess with tradition? With my marvelous routine? Especially when it seems to be working so well for me just the way it is!